In the waiting room

Here is my sob story on living with depression.

I’m writing here because I have no where else to turn for support. I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. My therapist has been on vacation. Since I have no friends or family perhaps I can find the support I need to not just “get me through” but inspire and encourage me.

Every single day feels like I am in a waiting room. Waiting to die. Wanting to die but my body,too stupid to get with my brain that has already given up. Antidepressants keep me from the obsessive thoughts of my plan to end my life but offer me no joy to appreciate the life I’m living. Days turn into weeks,weeks have turned into months, months have turned into years.I have struggled with depression since I was a teenager. I’m 44 now and the last 3 years have been the hardest and darkest. I have been categorized as having treatment resistant depression. I have recently had the unfortunate experience of meeting depressions best friend, anxiety.This disease has taken my joy of life. I use to be able to bounce back. Somehow I have lost my resilience. Further adding to my depression is being stuck in a job I hate. My job is similar to the antidepressants, by that I mean, it doesn’t do anything to enhance my sense of purpose or well being, it’s just the only thing that gets me out of the house. Going there and having to perform the usual social norms and dealing with a bitch ass buffalo cunt of a boss is probably making my depression worse. Yet I can’t even begin to think of a career change at this point. I can’t even manage to do the dishes or go to the grocery store so planning for some big life change seems impossible now.

Doing this alone is the hardest part. I often search the web for answers and help. I get angry every time I read “hang in there, you have friends, family and coworkers who love you”. Truth is, no, I really don’t. The numerous days I have laid on the couch or in my room led me to face the harsh reality. “If I died here no one would know.” Undoubtedly, there is some Christian reading this now and can’t wait to reply with a “God loves you” ,,, “lean on Jesus” comment. To that I say “probably but neither of them are doing shit for me right now.” Just for the record, I gave my life to Christ when I was in my early 20’s. Attended church, had the personal walk, blah blah blah. Call it “having a hard heart” or whatever Christian label you wanna smack on there the fact is I am mentally ill and alone.

I am still a spiritual person despite my disgust with my personal experience with the Christian church and the hypocrisy of its people. I listen to Eckhart Tolle a lot on YouTube. I have done a lot of “surrendering to what is” and no matter how much I intellectually understand “being present in the now” I cannot escape how fucked off my “now” is.

I really wanted my first post on this site to be one of a victory over this crippling disease. Instead it’s just another cry for help that may never come.

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